Elgin’s shitey Nantucket’s Fried Chicken outlet is considering a move to Moscow in an attempt to drum up trade after Russian premier Mad Vlad Putin closed 4 Moscow Maccy Dees outlets in an alleged health probe. As the world watches the Ukrainian crisis deepen , Nantucket’s Elgin manager Ken Offal told The Moray Neep tonight that he firmly believed the Elgin branch of Nantuckets would “fit right in” in the former Soviet capital.

“Look, here’s how we see it… we’ve a reputation for being a bit ….well….’shitey’. We never realised we were that good and that has inspired us to move lock , stock and barrel to a Drive-thru site next to

a Trabant garage on the outskirts of Moscow. We feel that our stock levels and service is tailor-made for undemanding Muscovites, with poorly trained, demotivated staff providing sub-standard, lukewarm fare in untidy surroundings. It’s so Soviet…it’s Nantuckyluckylickintastic”.

Ravenous Rusky Disputin Dubeel was ordered to be excited and ordered to comment to the Moray Neep tonight..”Ve in Communeest Russia kent vait for noo Nentucket cheeken! I vont to try Nentuckytucky ┬áboket meal end gravy. Ve, in Moscow hev never tasted Nentucky gravy…but I here peoples een Elgin hevn’t either ”

Vladimir Putin’s spokesman Checkon Checkoff confirmed to the Neep tonight “Ve hev concerns that zees Nentuckets veel give our country a bed reputation in the vorld. Bed enough vee ride roughshod over eenternetional law…but Nentuckets may be a step too far….vee hev heard it is “shitey” ..but ve vill …how you say ?? ‘gie it a bash’ ”

Moray Council told the Neep tonight “Good fucking riddance”!