Lots of folk lamenting the fact that England can now pop down the pub for a lager init guv. Whilst here in Scotland we are still pouring home made pints of vodka n coke to droon oor sorrows over the state of the long garden grass after 2 weeks solid rain.

Well now you can relive the pub/bar/local with these handy tips…

  1. Buy your drink from whichever favourite supermarket has least amount of covid crazies, whenever pouring a pint/dram burn £2 quid on the hob. In fact burn £2 every 15 minutes regardless.
  2. Put sports on the TV but turn down the sound, also turn the TV to a bugger of an angle so its hard to see and you have to turn to see it from wherever you are in the room. Ask your So / room mate to change it to the Ross County game every 2 minutes but get them to ignore you.
  3. When the postie comes to deliver your dartboard from amazon you ordered, shout after them challenging them to a fight , add “yeah yeah walk away keep walking ye fanny “. Tell your So/ room mate about it ie .” Almost had a fight ootside, wi some dude hassling ma burd he wis shiting it, ran off.” No ‘burd’ is needed.
  4. Instead of using the toilet, use the basin or corner of the toilet. Try and use it at same time as your So / room mate.
  5. Smoke ootside in a hurry, 3 puffs is plenty don’t want to waste drinking time or miss any more arguments about Winston Churchill vs Kanye West you’ve started previous to goin ootside.
  6. Buy in some Scampi fries, again burn £2 every time you eat a packet, add in some broken glass for the authentic been in the bar since 1988 teeth shattering gum shredding crunch action.
  7. Get some strangers to wander about in the garden , maybe offer them £1each at the gate. Comment to your So /room mate how you “dont know anyone here anymore, i must be getting old”.
  8. Cut 10 mm off one leg of every table and chair. Also pour full fat coke over every surface, walls, floors, tables leave it to dry ,voila sticky everything, impossible to show anyone how to moonwalk. Even if you could do it in the 80’s.
  9. Play Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners, and or Neil Diamonds Sweet Caroline on a loop just low enough to hear it. Sometimes turn it up for a minute to sing along then turn it down again immediately.
  10.  Order a taxi then pour another drink when it arrives, get yer So / room mate to shout out the door, ye they’re just coming at least 4 times. When in the taxi pretend to forget where you live and get dropped off at your elderly parents home and sleep on their sofa